izbori

ući u Uniju, izabrati faks, izabrati gdje ću raditi, što ću studirati, izabrati novi način života jer stari više ne funkcionira, izabrati prijatelje, izabrati ljude, izabrati identitet.
previše izbora ovih dana, a ja sam previše neodlučna za takve stvari.
možda zato što previše toga vežem uz svoje izbore, od svakog očekujem nešto revolucionarno.

afirmacija ili devijancija?
afirmacijom postajem dio mase, postajem ono što bi bilo vrlo ugodno, ali u isti mah nešto što mrzim. običnost je bezveze. a opet, po nekom standardu su čak i neobični ljudi obični. oni su obično neobični.
pošto se sve da strpati pod neki kalup, zar ikakva devijancija ima smisla? ili bi bilo bolje priključiti se rulji i praviti se tupav?

gade mi se kvazi-drukčije osobe.
"ako objesim gramofonsku ploču na sebe onda mora da sam iznimno cool"
"jao kako sam intelektualna! kako možeš od mene očekivati da se spustim na razinu običnih ljudi? pa ja sam iznad toga!"
"toliko sam kompleksna da me nitko ne može shvatiti. ja sam tajna, enigma. jao kako sam samo tajanstvena."
"moja osobnost se zrcali u mojoj odjeći i u mom mobitelu. kupujem stvari koje me čine posebnom i ne primjećujem da najmanje 20 ljudi u mom gradu nosa jedno te isto"
"ja sam umjetnica, slikam ljude u najobičnijim pozama pod najkičastijim svjetlom, nema mi ravne"

nema individua, sve se stapa u jedno. na svaku osobu koja misli da je posebna, ima barem još njih 50 koji misle, izgledaju, ponašaju se isto ili slično.

zašto onda izabrati? zašto se onda praviti da čovjek ima pravo izbora?

zar je to, što mi se gadi "karijera" koju su za mene smislili drugi jednostavna psihološka reakcija? želim li ja konačno postati samostalna? ne mogu. nekako uvijek ovisim o drugima.
to što ću se prijaviti na nešto drugo je samo reakcija na to što se ne želim prijaviti na ono što mi kažu. ergo, nemam svoju volju, samo refleksiju. mogu prihvatiti ili odbiti ono što je dosad bilo ili ono što se od mene očekuje u budućnosti. nemam vlastitu volju.

opet, kako god izabrala, mogu biti uvjerena da će se dogoditi neko sranje. jednostavno je tako i gotovo. kad god pomislim da je sad konačno sve u redu, iskrsne nešto i sve ode k vragu.

a ipak se ne mogu odlučiti, umjesto toga puštam da sve pluta.
i misli i vrijeme, sve se raspada na bezbroj komadića koji gmižu svojim putem.

details

of a weird world

endless

mindless

no way

no end

you-tube

connection failed

windows of perception

last bird

audience?
group?
friends?
success?
people?

who cares?

the guest

a detail i see quite often these days

yes, please

Álomnapló I.

Rohantunk a délutáni fényben. Emberek árnyékai színes fodrokként siklottak el mellettünk. Képek és hangok, minden összefolyt a kora esti fénysugarakban. Valaki szólt valamit, de már túl messze voltam, hogy bármit is válaszoljak. Az örök ismeretlen aki végigkísért bárhová megyek most úgy tett, mintha az öcsém lenne, de az arcát még így se látom. Ott van, de nem láthatom, csak a szürkeséget, az egyszerűt és a szokatlant ahogy egységet alkotnak az ismeretlenben.

Hamar elszállnak a fények, magunk maradtunk egy nagy tisztáson. A nagy tisztáson egy nagy építmény áll. Kocka, több szinttel, de mégis kocka. Nincs egy fala, mintha félbevágták volna. Az alsó szinten valamiféle létra visz felfelé, megpróbálok feljutni, de nem megy. Feljebb is csak üres termek vannak, de a létra nem visz tovább. Lenézek és latom, hogy már a messze is közel van, nem is vagyok olyan magasan. Mégis félek, nem akarok lezuhanni, nem akarom, hogy valaki lássa, milyen szerencsétlen vagyok. Leülünk az alsó szinten valami hintafélére ami összeköti a két falat. Már reszket az egész épület, amikor észreveszem, hogy a foltok a falakon alakokat formálnak, mint a régi időkben, rejtett szimbólumok a tapéták tengerén. De ezek mintha már régebben ott lennének, de a hinta nem áll meg, a falak tovább reszketnek. A titok nyitja a legfelső emeleten van, de oda nem lehet feljutni. Így hát megint szökünk, a sötétbe, az erdőbe, minél messzebb az igazságtól, minél messzebb a veszélytől. Az út a faluba vezet, de nem ismerem. Szembe két lány jön, akit alig ismerek, de ők valamiért emlékeznek rám. Tudják ki vagyok, tudják miért vagyok ott. Jobban mint én. Az erdőből megcsillan egy ház udvara, amiről kiderül, hogy öcsémé. Az udvarban egy tiltott növény lappang, kaktusz, ami nemsokára virágozni fog. Tilos kaktuszt tartani, mert a kaktuszemberek túlságosan is elterjedtek a környéken, akit megharapnak, maga is olyanná változik. Ekkor csillan meg egy apró virág az udvaron lévő kaktuszon, érzem, hogy valami megharapta a vállamat. Amikor odafordulok már csak éles fogakat, vad szemeket meg csillogó tüskéket látok felvillanni. Hát mindennek vége. Nem hisznek nekem, de szaladunk tovább, most már csak öcsém meg én. Hazaértve, szüleim se hiszik el. Vannak fontosabb dolgok is, mint ez, tessék egy kis fertőtlenítő. Nem látszik már a harapás nyoma, de én érzem, ott van. Lüktetnek körülöttem a színek, úgy tűnik ennyi volt. Minden összefolyik a nagy sötétbe.

depressed? never! again.

it's pretty sad posting old photos.

I dream of rain...

podne

zapravo nemam o čemu pisati. pišem da bih pisala, da mi prođe vrijeme, da ne moram razmišljati o stvarima koje mi već plešu na vrhu glave. odluke koje ne želim donositi, ljudi kojih se ne želim sjetiti. kad bih se barem mogla prepoloviti i raditi sve što poželim u isto vrijeme. ili kada bih barem mogla nestati da nemam više nikakvih problema. nijedno nije pravo riješenje. nema pravih riješenja samo odluka.
ideje kao da su ishlapile davnih dana. ishlapile i upile se u plahte, krevete, tepihe, topli zrak koji dahće za vratom. nema ih. sve je tu, ali ipak nedohvatljivo. kada jednom uđu negdje, ideje se više ne daju izvuči. makar snovi pokušali nadoknaditi nedostatak, sve je to samo zamjena za nešto što je već nestalo.
osjećaji su drugačiji. oni se upijaju u organe. mozak, srce, pluča, bubrezi, ruke, noge. i dodir je dovoljan da se sjetiš da osjetiš ono što ne želiš, ono što si već odavno htio zaboraviti. i opet i opet i opet. sve se vrti u krug i čak i da odrežeš ruku, imat ćeš osjećaj da je još uvijek tamo. nema te promjene koja će pomoć, nema te okoline od koje ćeš sve zaboraviti. poput sjećanja, ostavljaju sluzav trag gdje god pošla. kao da si zavezan za ogromnu prikolicu punu smeća koje ti se nekad činilo vrijednim - zlato koje se pretvorilo u olovo.

vrijeme ne postoji. sve se vrti u krug i sve se ponavlja.
ljudi su poput sjena koje vidiš iz ringišpila, znaš da su tamo i oni koji ti nešto znači, ali na kraju ih više ne možeš razlikovati od bezlične mase lica i tijela koja se nakuplja oko tebe.

čitati je teško, pisati još teže, pogotovo ako to rade budale.

...

sve kao da je sačinjeno od zraka. kad se nešto događa, zrak se zgusne, živci se napnu i svijet poludi. emocije, impulsi napetih živaca strujaju uzavrelim tijelom i primoravaju ga na stvari koje bi mozak odbacio kao nepotrebne gluposti.
zrak se rijedi, emocije splašnjavaju, ostaju sjećanja, na što?
na ništa
jer se ništa nije dogodilo osim zraka koji se zgusnuo.
i nešto pijeska što ga je zakovitlao vjetar...

42

Everything is melting away in tiny pieces of existence. Light as the air we breath, but still heavy as all the problems we have to face.
As if even the tiniest things we have to care about have become huge and unbearable, and life light as if it was just a dream. Always dreaming of yesterday and tomorrow, since today is the day we have to face ourselves.
But where are we? In the things we are doing? In the books we are reading? In the language we speak? How can a spiderweb of worldly things like that have such a great influence on what we are? Or is it just the way things are - we are both bound and condemned to this world?
Can a soul help us to bear our problems? Are there any psychologists or psychiatrists who know the answer? No. No. No. No.
They do not even know if there is a soul! They talk about it all the time, but have no proof!
Is it an impulse? Hormones? Influence? Part of the body? Nobody knows.
Still, there is a bunch of people who claims to know what they are talking about without even noticing that they are bound to some "almost-true" theories and books written by people who only needed the money.
Still, is there any escape?
It doesn't seem that we can control our lives anyway. We cannot do whatever we want, because of society, and since we are part of the society, we are both the problem and sufferer.

anyway

whatever

tomorrow comes today

Danas je sad. Od danas počinjem ponovno. Sutra je za budućnost i tko zna što će se dogoditi.

dolazi Macan!

i to ne bilo kaki, već Darko Macan :)
Dolazi u Budimpeštu danas, već je na putu. Sad mogu žicat još koji autogram :P

The End is nigh

The optimists believe that everything is all right. The pessimists think that everything might be over the next day. And finally, the realists hope that they are going to survive the days of wrath. But the real problem mankind can not cope with is that we have destroyed our planet and do not know how to fix the damage. The problems we are and will be facing are all effects of our own mistakes; that we can not handle technology properly, cope with overpopulation, and definitely can not solve the environmental problems.

Modern technology was once considered a gift, now it is more like a curse. Everything developed – electricity, genetic modification, machines of any kind – was a useful contribution to comfort and a chance for better life even for the lower classes. And what do we have now? Power plants, dangerous for the whole area; food modified genetically to a degree it becomes inedible; and people being unemployed because the automation of factories.

Since we did not learn how to use technology in a way everyone has advantages of it, overpopulation is becoming a more serious problem every day. There are too many people in the undeveloped countries where the soil cannot provide enough food or the government can not act against poverty. The few and rich get most of the money and food, while the many and poor get only bits and bites.

Additionally, there are more and more environmental problems we have to cope with – a task which seems impossible. Why? Somehow, we cannot believe that something in that manner may happen to us. Nature was always there and hopefully it will remain so. But nature and the world are changing – we are the ones who change it. Unfortunately, we are not grown-up enough to face our own mistakes.

In conclusion, there is no hope. We developed technology too fast, in a pace we can not cope with. The gap between the poor and the rich is getting wider every day. No one knows what is going to happen if we do not stabilize our dwindling ecology. And if we continue with this pace, it is inevitable that our world as we know it will disappear forever.

Stranger in the town a.k.a. all the nonsense you need to write to get a grade

(*picture found at google search)

Stranger in the town

Today, here with us is the famous sailor, Popeye. He came a long way from the place he was before, and now he’s staying here in our lovely town, Sweethaven. Well, could you tell us more about your trip to our town?
— I thinks I was travelling a lot. I passes seven ockeans, ‘cause I was looking for me Poppa. You sees, I lost him when I was two. But, one days, when I thinkin I dies, me mudder cames and told me, Poppa is alives.
And as we know, you’ve found your Poppa here. But there was also some clash between the two of you…
— Yes, Olivia thought me fadder was a kidnapper. But I knows, me fadder ain’t no kidnappers. I don’t knows whats he was doingks, I don’t want to axs him, but I knows, he’s a good Poppa.
You two, I mean, you and your Poppa, look really alike, but you also have some story about that, don’t you?
— Mudder told me I was born in a typhoon, that I comes from Heaven. With fadder it’s differenks, we haves the same bulgy arms and the same squinky eye. We even haves same pipes.
And now you too have a son, Swee’pea, if I’m spelling it correct…
— That needs some explanatskin. I yam Swee’peas mudder, ‘cause he was dedicated for me, ‘cause his first mudder had financkial problems. So I yam tha mudder of Swee’pea, and Olivia is his fadder, ‘cause every childs needs parenks.
You are mentioning Olivia for the second time, can we hope for a wedding in the near future?
— Hahaha, if nuttins come in ways, than I hopes so. It is neskessary, ‘cause the childs needing parenks, and you know, everybodys gotta have somebodys, and I needs Olivia. She suitks me perfectks
Had you ever had some serious quarrel with her?
— Oh, yes. When she wanted to use Swee’peas physcikiskial skills for getting’ money. And, you know, moraliky is very important for me, and wrong is wrong, even when it helps you. I don’t like immoraliky, and I thinks it was wrong to use him to get money.
Yes, you may be right. When did you decide to get married?
— When I gots her out from the octopussys fangs on Scab island. You sees, that was interestinking; I almost losts in the fight against Bluto, and then Poppa gives me spinach and I can fights Bluto and save Olivia with me own power.
I’ve heard, you’ve sold your story to some publishers. Is there going to be a book or something?
— I tell ya, a don’ts really knows. I saw a comic, and I was paintks really phooey. I hopes the moxvie is gonna be better.
Well, how would you describe yourself, so that the people may understand you better?
— I cans only says for meself, that I yam what I yam.
Thank you for the interview?
— Thanks you for making interviewks.

Mechanic God

Nostalgia, the most dangerous thing mankind may face, but we're still looking into the past with attraction to every possible item which resembles the past centuries. Consequently, we forget about what is happening in the present; therefore, everyone and everything can manipulate us. Yes, now we arrived in an age, when even things can manipulate us. Television? Mobile phones? Robots? Whats next? Hope is spent in vain; every day it seems that mankind is getting more and more dumb, more and more vulnerable, more and more condemned to get extinct.

Lovely, indeed.